What a week it's been.

First Things First!
The wedding is back on. Most of you who read this already knew that, but for my irregular readers, and those who just signed on, the wedding plans are on track once again (read last blog if you really want to - though it's cryptic, so you might be better off just smiling in blissfull ignorance).

I am in the process of contacting my groomsmen. Some of them, I haven't spoken to in a couple of years, so finding them may be difficult. Matt, Jason, and Martin...if you're out there...EMAIL ME...Email Me...email me...me...me (echo effect brought to you by ILM).

At this point, I want to thank our families, both mine and Vanessa's, for helping out so much already. Her mom has been instrumental in getting us the place, and looking into the reception hall. She's really doing a great job, and that will help us in the long run. My Mom, her sisters, and their kids are going WAY above and beyond to help me with the reception. I have SO MANY ideas to talk to Vanessa about when I see her next month. This "seven" theme, what I thought would be easy, has exploded into so many possibilities. Thank you all so much for jumping into this. It's hard to plan a wedding & reception, esp. overseas, and you all are making it much easier and less stressfull for the both of us.

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Work. Sucks.

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Just kidding (but not really). I still love my job, though day-to-day it's difficult to get through without thinking of ways to get out of it. I've never thought this way about work before. Not even when the bosses at Yokota did everythig in their power to hurt Vanessa and my relationship, not when a certain former boss of mine took away a shoot that was important to me, so (he/she) could shoot it for the recognition, not when I worked any of the mundane jobs in college (like waking up at 5am to go unlock a building no one used until after noon). This is the first job, ok not job, but station, where I dread going to work some mornings.
That said, today will be different. I made myself a bet this morning; if I leave at or before 5pm, I'll quit smoking for the rest of the week. If not, well, status quo. I have the opportunity to shoot American NBA stars today, as part of the USA Basketball Men's National Team's visit to Korea for the World Basketball Challenge 2006. I don't know many of these people (I don't watch too much TV or enjoy basketball all that much, so don't hate me), but for you sports fans out there, here's the list:
Carmelo Antony
Gilbert Arenas
Shane Battier
Chris Bosh
Bruce Bowen
Elton Brand
Dwight Howard
LeBron James
Antawn Jamison
Joe Johnson
Brad Miller
Chris Paul
Amare Stoudemire
Dwayne Wade
& Kirk Hinrich.
I CAN NOT GET ANYONE AUTOGRAPHS! Please don't ask. All I'm supposed to do is shoot video of them practicing for their game agains Korea tomorrow, and interview a couple team members about why they love the troops so much. That's it.

My boss lady has been better about talking to me, in fact, when I come to her with a problem, she's just as likely to try to help me solve it, as she is to yell at me for being an idiot who should have known better because I "read the S.O.P." already, right? 50-50. That's much better odds than I had at the beginning of last month. I also had her delegate some responsibility away from me. Once she noticed that I was sinking with all the weight she put on my shoulders, she's slowly chipped away by assigning other people to do a task or two. (((She's on leave this week, a fact that has everyone around the office saying one word everytime someone states that fact, "Yes!")))
I still feel Atlas' pain though.

I just wanted to put it out there, that work is getting better. The less I anchor, the better it is, and last week, I had to anchor 4 days in a row. I hated coming in to work, I hated staying until 9pm to do radio news (not that I haven't stayed until 9pm to finish a story, but that's my own dedication, not picking up the slack for a coworker). I'm still the alternate anchor, the training NCO, assistant assignments editor, assistant News NCO, a videographer/producer, and an acting supervisor (I've laready had to give out an LOC and LOR - military versions of calling an employee into your office and telling them they're screwing up, and one more means they're fired). There's a lot on my plate, and I wasn't even hungry to begin with.

This weekend, I decided to hold a nonviolent protest. I didn't come in on Saturday at all. I know, how much of a protest can it be to not come in on your day off, right? Well, if you consider the fact that I haven't NOT come in to work on a Saturday since my first three weeks here, and it makes more sense. I came in on Sunday, to put together a story I shot last Monday, but that's because I anchored every day after that. So much to do, so little time to do it...unless I stay late and/or come in on weekends (and the trend has been to do both).

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I miss Vanessa.
I miss her everyday.
I miss her smile, her loving touch.
In every single way.

We have moved up our communication a notch. We use to call each other every day, but it began hurting our wallets when the phone bills came. Now we video conference through Yahoo instant messenger. It's so great to see and hear her every night. Sometimes my coming home late after working 18 hours makes it difficult, but we at least get the chance to see each other and say our I Love Yous. It helps make our time apart more bearable.

Honestly, I don't think I could make it through the day sometimes (most of the time) without talking to her. She helps melt away all the sorrows and pain of the day. Sometimes she calls me at 5am just to say good morning, and we always say goodnight. I'm the happiest I've eer been with her in my life. I only hope I show her that. I'm SO looking forward to September, when I'll get the chance to visit her in Japan before she flies off to Germany. We're hoping to meet up there, and praying for it everyday. Until then, it looks like we may spend upwards of 8 months apart. Eight of the most important months in our engagement. I was thinking about this last night, but we got engaged, then I left. For our entire engagement, up to the wedding, we will have been in the same place for a month (the time I got to spend with her in Japan, and my leave in September). If we do both get assigned to Germany, we'll probably be miles apart, and have to travel back and forth between our bases to be together. It sucks, but we're both willing to sacrifice to be together. That's what makes us a couple that will work. We want to be together, and will find a way. I just hope against hope that my chain of command lets me go to Germany. If you ask, I'll send you an email string from my Captain, almost begging our AFN assignment superintendent to station me with Vanessa somewhere in Germany.

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So that's today's update. I know I've only been doing weekly (if that) posts. I'm going to try and get better, but everyone knows, work comes first, and free time is a commodity I can't trade much of.
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Detached - and some seriously dissappointing news.

I'm separated - and much more than normal for those of you who know what I mean...

My Love Life and my Work Life are at war.

My job has me working 17 hours a day:
I'm a videographer/reporter
I'm a secion leader, in charge of 5 people
I'm a News department head, making sure the news airs daily
I'm a back-up anchor, when our regular anchor can't do her job
I'm in meetings, I'm on shoots, I'm putting together stories, nd I'm on-call like a damn doctor.

I rarely get to talk to Vanessa for more than 15 minutes, because when she calls, I'm at work, and when I'm done working, she's headed to bed.
It's killing me slowly.
And I can't seem to tell it "no."
There's somehting inside me, some ethic, some value that says I should stay working until the job is done, and done right. Something that makes me want to take more and more work on myself - even to my breaking point. The same thing has me puttig a strain on my people, too. I have a news section that hates coming in to work because they know that they'll have to work well into their personal time, and well into their weekend.
I'm torn.
My heart says they should get off work every night at 5:00, but my head says we're in the military, and that free time isn't guaranteed. I think about the service members in the Middle East, veterans of Korea and Viet Nam, the World Wars, and even down to any military battle ever fought...and how they didn't get nights or weekends off. But then I remember that when I wa a younger troop, I don't remember working every weekend, or past 6:00 unless I wanted to.
So what Iam I doing wrong that my bosses were doing right...what did they do to keep me protected from long hours and letting me have my weekends to myself? I want to give therm the same thing, but the mission is taking up all out time.
I had to have a talk with one of my troops the other day, I had to counsel him on coming in late, and continually messing up on his work. That was the boss in me that had to do that. The counsellor in me knew why he was doing it. I could feel his frustration, even before he said a word.
He has the same ethic and work value that I do. He stays late to get the job done, and complains that every time he makes planss, he has to work on this or that. I felt so bad as his boss, for putting him in that situation.
WHAT DO I DO?


Vanessa has been my rock. She has kept the faith for the both of us lately. My ONLY hope is her right now, well, her and God. I prayed to God a few weeks ago to give me the strength to talk to my boss about too much work on my plate, and he was there with me when I did. I wept when I came home, knowing that God was with me, that he took time to comfort me and finally get me out of my situation. I'm still all the things I mentioned before, but for that one moment, I was free from all the pressures and stress. Vanessa does that for me as well, but lately we've been suffering through constant late nights, and few opportunities to talk to each other.

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I know God gives us trials to overcome. I hope this is one, that will put Vanessa and me into a stronger place with our relationship. We've already noticed that time apart is strengthening our communication skills, and not being physically in contact is both helping us, and hurting us. She's a "touch" person, meaning she displays Love through touch. the distance is killing her in that aspect. BUT, by not being with each other, we focus more on the time we do have together, and it makes it more special. We also tend to talk (when we get the chance) about what we're doing on a day - to - day basis. when we worked and lived together, we never talked like that, because we were together 24-7. Now it's good to "come home" and ask, "how was your day?" Still, I miss her to no end, and I know she feels the same.

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Yesterday, she found out some devastating news about the wedding, and she wants to scrap the whole thing because of it. It's not about me, I hope, but it hit her so hard, she wept on the phone for hours. I'm not going to mention it in this forum, but we both wonder if a wedding is going to happen at all. She has asked me not to try to solve the problem for her (as he fiance, I want to, but as a counselor, I'll let her come to her own resolution).
We want to get married in the worst way, but one of the last things she told me on the phone last night was we should put it off for now. I know things might change today, or tomorrow, or in a week, but for now, if anyone has invested any money into the wedding or reception plans, if you've bought tickets to Mankato or booked a hotel, you might want to think about getting a refund. Part of me says, go ahead, we'll figure out another plan, but another part of me says, keep your tickets and plans the same, and we'll find a way to do it...I'll let you know more in personal emails if you send me one. But know, that Vanessa and I will unite as husband and wife, regardless of this particular situation...maybe sooner than later.
That's really all I want to say right now.
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