Detached - and some seriously dissappointing news.

I'm separated - and much more than normal for those of you who know what I mean...

My Love Life and my Work Life are at war.

My job has me working 17 hours a day:
I'm a videographer/reporter
I'm a secion leader, in charge of 5 people
I'm a News department head, making sure the news airs daily
I'm a back-up anchor, when our regular anchor can't do her job
I'm in meetings, I'm on shoots, I'm putting together stories, nd I'm on-call like a damn doctor.

I rarely get to talk to Vanessa for more than 15 minutes, because when she calls, I'm at work, and when I'm done working, she's headed to bed.
It's killing me slowly.
And I can't seem to tell it "no."
There's somehting inside me, some ethic, some value that says I should stay working until the job is done, and done right. Something that makes me want to take more and more work on myself - even to my breaking point. The same thing has me puttig a strain on my people, too. I have a news section that hates coming in to work because they know that they'll have to work well into their personal time, and well into their weekend.
I'm torn.
My heart says they should get off work every night at 5:00, but my head says we're in the military, and that free time isn't guaranteed. I think about the service members in the Middle East, veterans of Korea and Viet Nam, the World Wars, and even down to any military battle ever fought...and how they didn't get nights or weekends off. But then I remember that when I wa a younger troop, I don't remember working every weekend, or past 6:00 unless I wanted to.
So what Iam I doing wrong that my bosses were doing right...what did they do to keep me protected from long hours and letting me have my weekends to myself? I want to give therm the same thing, but the mission is taking up all out time.
I had to have a talk with one of my troops the other day, I had to counsel him on coming in late, and continually messing up on his work. That was the boss in me that had to do that. The counsellor in me knew why he was doing it. I could feel his frustration, even before he said a word.
He has the same ethic and work value that I do. He stays late to get the job done, and complains that every time he makes planss, he has to work on this or that. I felt so bad as his boss, for putting him in that situation.
WHAT DO I DO?


Vanessa has been my rock. She has kept the faith for the both of us lately. My ONLY hope is her right now, well, her and God. I prayed to God a few weeks ago to give me the strength to talk to my boss about too much work on my plate, and he was there with me when I did. I wept when I came home, knowing that God was with me, that he took time to comfort me and finally get me out of my situation. I'm still all the things I mentioned before, but for that one moment, I was free from all the pressures and stress. Vanessa does that for me as well, but lately we've been suffering through constant late nights, and few opportunities to talk to each other.

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I know God gives us trials to overcome. I hope this is one, that will put Vanessa and me into a stronger place with our relationship. We've already noticed that time apart is strengthening our communication skills, and not being physically in contact is both helping us, and hurting us. She's a "touch" person, meaning she displays Love through touch. the distance is killing her in that aspect. BUT, by not being with each other, we focus more on the time we do have together, and it makes it more special. We also tend to talk (when we get the chance) about what we're doing on a day - to - day basis. when we worked and lived together, we never talked like that, because we were together 24-7. Now it's good to "come home" and ask, "how was your day?" Still, I miss her to no end, and I know she feels the same.

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Yesterday, she found out some devastating news about the wedding, and she wants to scrap the whole thing because of it. It's not about me, I hope, but it hit her so hard, she wept on the phone for hours. I'm not going to mention it in this forum, but we both wonder if a wedding is going to happen at all. She has asked me not to try to solve the problem for her (as he fiance, I want to, but as a counselor, I'll let her come to her own resolution).
We want to get married in the worst way, but one of the last things she told me on the phone last night was we should put it off for now. I know things might change today, or tomorrow, or in a week, but for now, if anyone has invested any money into the wedding or reception plans, if you've bought tickets to Mankato or booked a hotel, you might want to think about getting a refund. Part of me says, go ahead, we'll figure out another plan, but another part of me says, keep your tickets and plans the same, and we'll find a way to do it...I'll let you know more in personal emails if you send me one. But know, that Vanessa and I will unite as husband and wife, regardless of this particular situation...maybe sooner than later.
That's really all I want to say right now.
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