Hazy

I had the pleasure of working a 24-hour shift on Saturday, so I really haven't been away from work for a whole day since last Monday. I caught up on my sleep, but I'm still a little fuzzy. I don't know if I'm tired, or hungry. It's kind of like taking some cold medicine that makes you drowsy, and then having to work for a whole day. It's hard to focus (my eyes AND my mind), and I'm consciously aware of the feeling.

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THE NEW PLAN

Thanks to some financial advice from one of my instructors, I feel like I can get past the phone bill. I have to swallow my pride, and have Vanessa help me out with her part of it, but I can take some of my emergecy money, and with her paying an equal amount, I'll pay it off in no time. The plan basically declares where each and every dollar I make will go from now on. I'm going to pay off the college loans first - then apply that money to the credit debt. After debts, and the bills I have here, I'll be making enough money to survive on. Not live on, but survive on. But, hey, it's only two months. What this means it, I won't be debt free in July for the wedding. I hate that, because:
1) I didn't want to bring my debt into my marriage. I thought that I could prove that I was "a man" by paying off the debts I accrued while living just for me. I mean, I don't think it's fair to ask someone who wasn't in my life when I went on a wild spending spree, to take their hard earned money, and help fill in the hole that is my financial situation. Plus, it would mark a maturity level with me, so that I'd be more prepared to start a family. I think alot these days, about some words my Father gave me when I got my first check book...he said, "If you don't have the cash to pay for something, you don't need it." Well, (Dad, here's another power point for you) If I had only listend to my Father!
2) Vanessa at one point wondered if we were ever going to get married, and I kept telling her that we would once I got out of debt. At the time, she thought I could keep from committing by not tring to get out of debt. Had I broken down then, we'd already be married, and she wouldn't have any doubts about my committment.

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I'm going grocery shopping today. I've decided that I will only get fresh fruits, canned goods, and bread (I already have the peanut btter and jelly). I'm really hoping that this new budget will work out for me, and I don't have to visit the fast food joints "around closing time" if you know what I mean.

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Thanks to Mom and Vanessa for stepping up to help with my budget, and thanks to everyone else who wrote with messages of support, and offers to help. It means a lot. I was in a dark place, and all I really needed to hear, was "things will be okay." But again, thanks to everyone who wrote in to try and pull me up. I'll get through this.