I had the pleasure of working a 24-hour shift on Saturday, so I really haven't been away from work for a whole day since last Monday. I caught up on my sleep, but I'm still a little fuzzy. I don't know if I'm tired, or hungry. It's kind of like taking some cold medicine that makes you drowsy, and then having to work for a whole day. It's hard to focus (my eyes AND my mind), and I'm consciously aware of the feeling.
- - - -
THE NEW PLAN
Thanks to some financial advice from one of my instructors, I feel like I can get past the phone bill. I have to swallow my pride, and have Vanessa help me out with her part of it, but I can take some of my emergecy money, and with her paying an equal amount, I'll pay it off in no time. The plan basically declares where each and every dollar I make will go from now on. I'm going to pay off the college loans first - then apply that money to the credit debt. After debts, and the bills I have here, I'll be making enough money to survive on. Not live on, but survive on. But, hey, it's only two months. What this means it, I won't be debt free in July for the wedding. I hate that, because:
1) I didn't want to bring my debt into my marriage. I thought that I could prove that I was "a man" by paying off the debts I accrued while living just for me. I mean, I don't think it's fair to ask someone who wasn't in my life when I went on a wild spending spree, to take their hard earned money, and help fill in the hole that is my financial situation. Plus, it would mark a maturity level with me, so that I'd be more prepared to start a family. I think alot these days, about some words my Father gave me when I got my first check book...he said, "If you don't have the cash to pay for something, you don't need it." Well, (Dad, here's another power point for you) If I had only listend to my Father!
2) Vanessa at one point wondered if we were ever going to get married, and I kept telling her that we would once I got out of debt. At the time, she thought I could keep from committing by not tring to get out of debt. Had I broken down then, we'd already be married, and she wouldn't have any doubts about my committment.
- - - -
I'm going grocery shopping today. I've decided that I will only get fresh fruits, canned goods, and bread (I already have the peanut btter and jelly). I'm really hoping that this new budget will work out for me, and I don't have to visit the fast food joints "around closing time" if you know what I mean.
- - - -
Thanks to Mom and Vanessa for stepping up to help with my budget, and thanks to everyone else who wrote with messages of support, and offers to help. It means a lot. I was in a dark place, and all I really needed to hear, was "things will be okay." But again, thanks to everyone who wrote in to try and pull me up. I'll get through this.
05 March 2007
28 February 2007
I NEED HELP!!!!!!!
Only God can save me now.
No, I'm not feeling self-destructive, wipe that thought from your head now. I don't plan to do any harm to myself or others.
That said, I'm at the end of my rope, and I still can't see the bottom of the hole I'm in.
I just got back from the phone company, where I learned that they "forgot" to bill me for the past five months. It seems, that when I got my phone "fixed" they gave me a new phone modem, without connecting it to their billing department. So, since I got back from Japan in late September, I've been paying nothing for my phone usage. Well, let me tell you, when I got to the phone company, I was F-L-O-O-R-E-D to find out that they discovered their error, and not only calculated out what I owed, but wanted it at once!
NINETEEN-HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!
Now that's a huge chunk of change to pay all at once, so I sat down and after I composed myself, I asked the phone rep to sit down and go through things with me, bill-by-bill. Well, after four hours of itemizing, and auditing, I found it was only eighteen-hundred dollars (When they gave me the new phone modem, they charged me for cancellation of service, and charged me for a new instalation, even though it was their machine that broke). So, I talked the rep into refunding those fees, bringing the total down a hundred dollars. Still, $1800!!!
Please don't get me wrong, I am not being at all light-hearted about this. It's just that I've had five hours to cope with the fact that I've "called" my way into more debt.
To pay for this, I thought of two options:
1) Take out a pay advance from the Air force to cover the bill, and pay it back through auto-pay for a year.
-or-
2) Pay for it with the credit card.
So, I called the Finance Office to see about getting a cash advance. They told me I couldn't do that until I was less than 30 days away from flying out of the country, wich left me with only one option.But, because I wanted to check to see if I had enough to pay for it on the credit card, I looked online at my CC statement. TO MY HORROR, I found that I haven't even made a dent in my debt in the first place, and now I was going to add more onto it.
I know I've spent some money on the card, but I always thought I was paying off much more than I was spending. Somehow, though, I've actually acrued more than I had when last I chcked the balance.
So, now I have to pay the phone bill with the credit card, AND take out an advance, just to cover the phone bill on the card once I'm 30 days out.
If you were to see me right now, you'd see the look of a man in despare. I have always said that it's my debt, and it's up to me to pay it off. I dug the hole, and no one but me should fill it in. In fact, I've always felt that if anyone helped me pay it off, I'd never learn the lesson about spending more than I have, and I'd go right on doing so. I thought that was a mature way of thinking. I planned to pay everything off by the time I got married, so I didn't hand MY debt to my wife...
.
.
.
.
But now I see there's no way I can do that.
.
.
.
.
I feel so hopeless.
And, so much less of a man.
I couldn't do it.
And now, I'm at my lowest point.
Begging for help.
.
.
.
.
I'm NOT soliciting donations. Please don't think so poorly of me. I don't even know why I'm writing this, except it's how I feel, and this is where I write things like that...no-holds-barred!
I've prayed about this. I've kicked myself for frivilous purchases, or expensive ones for gifts (I'm not sorry for the gifts, or to whomever I gave them, just that I spent more than I had). I've looked around the room at the things I have, and asked myself what I need, and what I could sell to make a buck or two. Let's just say, I've thogught "a lot" of things, and I still come up blank (or unwilling to do certain things).
I'd be numb, if it weren't for this constant ache in my chest where my heart is twisting with the knowledge that this mountain is unsurmountable.
Even if I tok out the advance, and paid my current payment to the Credit Card Company, it would take me the rest of the year to get out of debt...and that's not paying for anything on the credit card, EVER!
That means the wedding will have to pay for itself...no plane tickets, no rings, no flowers, no food, none of it. I can't have my Love pay for everything...she shouldn't have to pay for anything! If I could bring myself to do it, I'd ask her if marrying me is really what she wants, because at the moment, I don't think I deserve her. If I were her, I wouldn't want someone who I knew couldn't take care of themselves. I certainly wouldn't want to pay off their debt with my hard earned money. In fact, I've all but ordered her NOT to give me any money. Like an addict, it's my problem, and like quitting smoking, no one can help you but yourself.
So, here I sit, in my room, still fuming about the bill, but shaking from the realization that I'm worse off than when I started ten months ago.
I want to crawl in a hole and disappear.
I want to wake up and find all this is some kind of nightmare.
I want, I want, I want...
.
.
.
But I can't afford it.
So, getting back to reality: I need help. I don't know how, or where, or when, or why it could come, but I have hit rock-bottom. I've slept outdoors in the snow and felt more comfortable than I do right now. I've lived out of a car and had more room to breathe than it feels like now. The only thing keeping me going, is the hope that it's possible to get out of debt.
Sadly, this means I probably won't be able to make many more long-distance phone calls. Once the payment goes through, I will probably cancel my phone service. I will keep the internet, so I can check email, and use the Yahoo Voice calling feature (If you don't already have a Yahoo! instant messanger, Vanessa and I found it's a great way of talking with each other, that even allows for audio-visual conferencing...for only the cost of your internet connection). I will keep the cell phone, as it is the primary - and most immediate - way of getting a hold of me.
Anything I can do to spend less money so I can put it towards taking a marble at a time out of the mountain of debt before me.
Again, I don't know why I'm writing this, except to maybe ask for prayers (that I know I don't deserve...I AM the one who got me into this, I shouldn't have to ask God to get me out). I really just needed to get this off my chest.
I'm going to go to bed now. I don't feel well at all.
: (
ULI
No, I'm not feeling self-destructive, wipe that thought from your head now. I don't plan to do any harm to myself or others.
That said, I'm at the end of my rope, and I still can't see the bottom of the hole I'm in.
I just got back from the phone company, where I learned that they "forgot" to bill me for the past five months. It seems, that when I got my phone "fixed" they gave me a new phone modem, without connecting it to their billing department. So, since I got back from Japan in late September, I've been paying nothing for my phone usage. Well, let me tell you, when I got to the phone company, I was F-L-O-O-R-E-D to find out that they discovered their error, and not only calculated out what I owed, but wanted it at once!
NINETEEN-HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!
Now that's a huge chunk of change to pay all at once, so I sat down and after I composed myself, I asked the phone rep to sit down and go through things with me, bill-by-bill. Well, after four hours of itemizing, and auditing, I found it was only eighteen-hundred dollars (When they gave me the new phone modem, they charged me for cancellation of service, and charged me for a new instalation, even though it was their machine that broke). So, I talked the rep into refunding those fees, bringing the total down a hundred dollars. Still, $1800!!!
Please don't get me wrong, I am not being at all light-hearted about this. It's just that I've had five hours to cope with the fact that I've "called" my way into more debt.
To pay for this, I thought of two options:
1) Take out a pay advance from the Air force to cover the bill, and pay it back through auto-pay for a year.
-or-
2) Pay for it with the credit card.
So, I called the Finance Office to see about getting a cash advance. They told me I couldn't do that until I was less than 30 days away from flying out of the country, wich left me with only one option.But, because I wanted to check to see if I had enough to pay for it on the credit card, I looked online at my CC statement. TO MY HORROR, I found that I haven't even made a dent in my debt in the first place, and now I was going to add more onto it.
I know I've spent some money on the card, but I always thought I was paying off much more than I was spending. Somehow, though, I've actually acrued more than I had when last I chcked the balance.
So, now I have to pay the phone bill with the credit card, AND take out an advance, just to cover the phone bill on the card once I'm 30 days out.
If you were to see me right now, you'd see the look of a man in despare. I have always said that it's my debt, and it's up to me to pay it off. I dug the hole, and no one but me should fill it in. In fact, I've always felt that if anyone helped me pay it off, I'd never learn the lesson about spending more than I have, and I'd go right on doing so. I thought that was a mature way of thinking. I planned to pay everything off by the time I got married, so I didn't hand MY debt to my wife...
.
.
.
.
But now I see there's no way I can do that.
.
.
.
.
I feel so hopeless.
And, so much less of a man.
I couldn't do it.
And now, I'm at my lowest point.
Begging for help.
.
.
.
.
I'm NOT soliciting donations. Please don't think so poorly of me. I don't even know why I'm writing this, except it's how I feel, and this is where I write things like that...no-holds-barred!
I've prayed about this. I've kicked myself for frivilous purchases, or expensive ones for gifts (I'm not sorry for the gifts, or to whomever I gave them, just that I spent more than I had). I've looked around the room at the things I have, and asked myself what I need, and what I could sell to make a buck or two. Let's just say, I've thogught "a lot" of things, and I still come up blank (or unwilling to do certain things).
I'd be numb, if it weren't for this constant ache in my chest where my heart is twisting with the knowledge that this mountain is unsurmountable.
Even if I tok out the advance, and paid my current payment to the Credit Card Company, it would take me the rest of the year to get out of debt...and that's not paying for anything on the credit card, EVER!
That means the wedding will have to pay for itself...no plane tickets, no rings, no flowers, no food, none of it. I can't have my Love pay for everything...she shouldn't have to pay for anything! If I could bring myself to do it, I'd ask her if marrying me is really what she wants, because at the moment, I don't think I deserve her. If I were her, I wouldn't want someone who I knew couldn't take care of themselves. I certainly wouldn't want to pay off their debt with my hard earned money. In fact, I've all but ordered her NOT to give me any money. Like an addict, it's my problem, and like quitting smoking, no one can help you but yourself.
So, here I sit, in my room, still fuming about the bill, but shaking from the realization that I'm worse off than when I started ten months ago.
I want to crawl in a hole and disappear.
I want to wake up and find all this is some kind of nightmare.
I want, I want, I want...
.
.
.
But I can't afford it.
So, getting back to reality: I need help. I don't know how, or where, or when, or why it could come, but I have hit rock-bottom. I've slept outdoors in the snow and felt more comfortable than I do right now. I've lived out of a car and had more room to breathe than it feels like now. The only thing keeping me going, is the hope that it's possible to get out of debt.
Sadly, this means I probably won't be able to make many more long-distance phone calls. Once the payment goes through, I will probably cancel my phone service. I will keep the internet, so I can check email, and use the Yahoo Voice calling feature (If you don't already have a Yahoo! instant messanger, Vanessa and I found it's a great way of talking with each other, that even allows for audio-visual conferencing...for only the cost of your internet connection). I will keep the cell phone, as it is the primary - and most immediate - way of getting a hold of me.
Anything I can do to spend less money so I can put it towards taking a marble at a time out of the mountain of debt before me.
Again, I don't know why I'm writing this, except to maybe ask for prayers (that I know I don't deserve...I AM the one who got me into this, I shouldn't have to ask God to get me out). I really just needed to get this off my chest.
I'm going to go to bed now. I don't feel well at all.
: (
ULI
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