I had a dream last week. I felt compelled to write it down.
Now I have posted it, because this blog relays the important things in my life.
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I Almost Died In My Sleep Last Night
Thursday, August 2nd, 2007 – Lance Heinzelman
Last night I had a dream. Somehow, and some way, I knew I was dying. Of what I couldn’t tell you, but I believe it was from some sort of disease, or it might have just been my time. In this future time (A mere few years from the present day), People who were about to die board some sort of vessel (to me, it looked like an airport terminal, but with no lines and no Homeland Security), to be whisked away to whatever awaits the dearly departed. I remember being very calm about the whole process, knowing that it was just the way things were supposed to be.
In the dream, I recalled some people from my past. The Howells, a family from my first duty assignment, took care of me until I had to go to the terminal. I know that my family wasn’t there – nor was Vanessa – but that could be for several reasons. First, I’ve lived overseas and away from my family for the past five-and-a-half years. I’m used to not being around my loved ones while I serve my country abroad. It sucks, but it’s something I’ve grown used to, though not fond of. A second explanation for why Vanessa wasn’t there, is she has been gone for the past couple of days, shooting news stories in America (I hope she comes back soon!). That could factor into it…but if that’s so, and this was the future…I dunno.
Anyway, as I prepared to board the – whatever – I realized that I hadn’t thanked the Howells for being so kind. As I “knew” the – whatever – wouldn’t leave without me, I went back to find a pen and paper, to write a thank you card. When I walked away from the departure area, all of a sudden, THERE WAS MY FAMILY! Cousins, aunts, uncles; almost everyone on both sides of the family were there. People hugged me, tears in their eyes, and said their goodbyes. My godfather wished me well, My godmother smiled and took pictures through her tears. Aunts cried, uncles shook my hand and patted me on the back, and my cousins came up to me and we talked for a little bit (a cousin of mine (nameless here except for the initial “D”) who was once my competitor and arch-cousin, who followed three years behind me in my trend of being the family “black sheep,” was dressed in a polo shirt and slacks, with his hair neatly combed. Basically, the family told me that he’d straightened up after they got the news that I was “leaving.”). Eventually I came across my Father…my Dad. In an act that can only be described as coming from my heart, in my dream; he came up, wrapped his arms around me, and hugged me. He told me he Loved me, and I knew he did. I even thought I heard his voice crack, and thought for sure, that he shed a few tears. I simply looked up at him, and told him I Loved him, and that things were going to be okay. I then turned my attention to finding my Mom…something that, in my dream, hurt my Dad a little, because I had to break from his hug.
The moment my Mom saw me (I realize now that it was a Wednesday in this future time, because she was wearing all white – well, it was more of a silvery white, but all white – as is her Wednesday tradition), she hit the ground, and began wailing, and thrashing her legs. If anyone tried to touch her to help her up, she only sobbed more, and kicked at them to leave her be. I walked over, put my arms around her, and told her that I Loved her, and that I was okay, “Really, Mom, I’m fine.” I then helped her to her feet, and hugged her more. A small crowd of family gathered around us, through which, my Dad broke through, and our small immediate family embraced for what would be the first, and last time (that I can recall, anyway). Then, I “had” to go. It was time.
I awoke to the sound of my doorbell ringing, my ride telling me it was time to go to work. So I pulled myself out of bed (I had woken up a little earlier, gotten cleaned up, and dressed, but made the fatal mistake of sitting back down on my bed, and passed right back out) and went in to work, remembering as much as I could for the duration of the drive, so I could sit here at my desk, and write the story.
++++++++++++++++
This dream really hit me hard, and I had a few questions, and a few insights about the dream.
- Why weren’t some important people weren’t there?
Vanessa being the first to come to mind. I don’t know where she was. Had she been so grieved, that she went home to be with her family? Was she working, and unable to get away? Had my sickness torn us apart? Or, had she gone before me, and I was on my way to meet up with her? In the dream, it seemed normal that she wasn’t there, like I had somehow known she woudn’t/couldn’t be there.
My grandmother, wasn’t there either. I can rationalize this, by telling myself that it was the future, and perhaps she had passed as well, and was waiting for me.
- My Dad cried.
This isn’t the first time I’ve “seen” my Dad cry. Though it has never, EVER been real, the thought of him crying has saved my life once before. I was in college, and going through a bout of serious depression…yes, THAT kind of depression. I remember thinking to myself what effect my being gone would have on my family. Then I recalled a scene from the Robin Williams movie, “Dead Poet’s Society,” in which a young man shoots himself with his father’s gun after his father removed him from the school, and teacher, he’d become fond of. I remember, that I just couldn’t see my own father doing it. Not because he wouldn’t, but because I wouldn’t want to see that. That haunting thought, drove me to walk to the hospital, rather than do something horrible to myself.
- I was calm.
Something about this is scary, and comforting at the same time. I guess I knew I was dying, and from what I’ve studied (yes, I took a “Death and Dying” course while in college…we learned about death from a sociological, and psychological standpoint. I even got to meet a survivor of the German death camps as part of the class…talk about your eye-opening experiences!), many people who know they are going to die, even if only a few moments before hand, have a calm come over them. They accept it. This is true of some people I’ve known personally. They’ve said they just know it’s coming, and they take it in, rather than try to fight the inevitable. Even some young children with terminal illnesses, have been reported as saying similar things. This isn’t true for all cases (like a Soldier shot in battle, who doesn’t get the chance to live a full life, will probably struggle with the pain – both from his wound, and the realization, that his life may soon be at an end), but it was in my case. I guess I’m glad it happened the way it did. I got to enjoy being with my family, rather than worrying or cursing life or God, for “what had happened to me.”
- Where did this come from?
I’ve had dreams in the past that have come true. I recall a dream from my middle school years (the late 80’s), in which I was in a car (in the back seat, actually) that was driving through a tunnel made by trees. When we drove out, I “saw” a grain silo on the right side of the road in a field, and on the other, a few cement pipes, cut in half long-wise, with the “U” facing down. A few years later, I performed in my high school band, Solo and Ensemble competition (hosted by a different, and distant high school), but my parents were unable to attend, so I had to get a ride back with a friend. I was sitting in the back of their car, paying no attention – as younger kids are apt to do, when all of a sudden, I looked out the front window of the car, and saw that we were in a “tree tunnel.” Then, things got weird. You know that feeling you get, when you realize something? I felt that, plus a chill in my spine, as we drove out of the tunnel, and I looked to either side of the car. There, on the right, was a grain silo in a filed, just as my dream had shown me years before. I couldn’t believe it! I looked to the left, and sure enough, there were the concrete, upside-down U’s. I was floored. And this wasn’t the only time.
I also recall having a dream in high school, about living in a two-story house with white trim. I remember the dream now, as I did the day I had it. I was in a small town, and I was in the back yard, when a young woman came out the back door and spoke to me. THIS dream became a reality when I was away at Vincennes for college, and it was of the house – and person I shared it with – that I lived with for a year while going to school. This was in 1998, and I had the dream before graduating from high school in early 1995.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of crazy, fantastical dreams that never came true, but a couple did. So, I’m a little scared, but at the same time, intrigued.
Thursday, August 2nd, 2007 – Lance Heinzelman
Last night I had a dream. Somehow, and some way, I knew I was dying. Of what I couldn’t tell you, but I believe it was from some sort of disease, or it might have just been my time. In this future time (A mere few years from the present day), People who were about to die board some sort of vessel (to me, it looked like an airport terminal, but with no lines and no Homeland Security), to be whisked away to whatever awaits the dearly departed. I remember being very calm about the whole process, knowing that it was just the way things were supposed to be.
In the dream, I recalled some people from my past. The Howells, a family from my first duty assignment, took care of me until I had to go to the terminal. I know that my family wasn’t there – nor was Vanessa – but that could be for several reasons. First, I’ve lived overseas and away from my family for the past five-and-a-half years. I’m used to not being around my loved ones while I serve my country abroad. It sucks, but it’s something I’ve grown used to, though not fond of. A second explanation for why Vanessa wasn’t there, is she has been gone for the past couple of days, shooting news stories in America (I hope she comes back soon!). That could factor into it…but if that’s so, and this was the future…I dunno.
Anyway, as I prepared to board the – whatever – I realized that I hadn’t thanked the Howells for being so kind. As I “knew” the – whatever – wouldn’t leave without me, I went back to find a pen and paper, to write a thank you card. When I walked away from the departure area, all of a sudden, THERE WAS MY FAMILY! Cousins, aunts, uncles; almost everyone on both sides of the family were there. People hugged me, tears in their eyes, and said their goodbyes. My godfather wished me well, My godmother smiled and took pictures through her tears. Aunts cried, uncles shook my hand and patted me on the back, and my cousins came up to me and we talked for a little bit (a cousin of mine (nameless here except for the initial “D”) who was once my competitor and arch-cousin, who followed three years behind me in my trend of being the family “black sheep,” was dressed in a polo shirt and slacks, with his hair neatly combed. Basically, the family told me that he’d straightened up after they got the news that I was “leaving.”). Eventually I came across my Father…my Dad. In an act that can only be described as coming from my heart, in my dream; he came up, wrapped his arms around me, and hugged me. He told me he Loved me, and I knew he did. I even thought I heard his voice crack, and thought for sure, that he shed a few tears. I simply looked up at him, and told him I Loved him, and that things were going to be okay. I then turned my attention to finding my Mom…something that, in my dream, hurt my Dad a little, because I had to break from his hug.
The moment my Mom saw me (I realize now that it was a Wednesday in this future time, because she was wearing all white – well, it was more of a silvery white, but all white – as is her Wednesday tradition), she hit the ground, and began wailing, and thrashing her legs. If anyone tried to touch her to help her up, she only sobbed more, and kicked at them to leave her be. I walked over, put my arms around her, and told her that I Loved her, and that I was okay, “Really, Mom, I’m fine.” I then helped her to her feet, and hugged her more. A small crowd of family gathered around us, through which, my Dad broke through, and our small immediate family embraced for what would be the first, and last time (that I can recall, anyway). Then, I “had” to go. It was time.
I awoke to the sound of my doorbell ringing, my ride telling me it was time to go to work. So I pulled myself out of bed (I had woken up a little earlier, gotten cleaned up, and dressed, but made the fatal mistake of sitting back down on my bed, and passed right back out) and went in to work, remembering as much as I could for the duration of the drive, so I could sit here at my desk, and write the story.
++++++++++++++++
This dream really hit me hard, and I had a few questions, and a few insights about the dream.
- Why weren’t some important people weren’t there?
Vanessa being the first to come to mind. I don’t know where she was. Had she been so grieved, that she went home to be with her family? Was she working, and unable to get away? Had my sickness torn us apart? Or, had she gone before me, and I was on my way to meet up with her? In the dream, it seemed normal that she wasn’t there, like I had somehow known she woudn’t/couldn’t be there.
My grandmother, wasn’t there either. I can rationalize this, by telling myself that it was the future, and perhaps she had passed as well, and was waiting for me.
- My Dad cried.
This isn’t the first time I’ve “seen” my Dad cry. Though it has never, EVER been real, the thought of him crying has saved my life once before. I was in college, and going through a bout of serious depression…yes, THAT kind of depression. I remember thinking to myself what effect my being gone would have on my family. Then I recalled a scene from the Robin Williams movie, “Dead Poet’s Society,” in which a young man shoots himself with his father’s gun after his father removed him from the school, and teacher, he’d become fond of. I remember, that I just couldn’t see my own father doing it. Not because he wouldn’t, but because I wouldn’t want to see that. That haunting thought, drove me to walk to the hospital, rather than do something horrible to myself.
- I was calm.
Something about this is scary, and comforting at the same time. I guess I knew I was dying, and from what I’ve studied (yes, I took a “Death and Dying” course while in college…we learned about death from a sociological, and psychological standpoint. I even got to meet a survivor of the German death camps as part of the class…talk about your eye-opening experiences!), many people who know they are going to die, even if only a few moments before hand, have a calm come over them. They accept it. This is true of some people I’ve known personally. They’ve said they just know it’s coming, and they take it in, rather than try to fight the inevitable. Even some young children with terminal illnesses, have been reported as saying similar things. This isn’t true for all cases (like a Soldier shot in battle, who doesn’t get the chance to live a full life, will probably struggle with the pain – both from his wound, and the realization, that his life may soon be at an end), but it was in my case. I guess I’m glad it happened the way it did. I got to enjoy being with my family, rather than worrying or cursing life or God, for “what had happened to me.”
- Where did this come from?
I’ve had dreams in the past that have come true. I recall a dream from my middle school years (the late 80’s), in which I was in a car (in the back seat, actually) that was driving through a tunnel made by trees. When we drove out, I “saw” a grain silo on the right side of the road in a field, and on the other, a few cement pipes, cut in half long-wise, with the “U” facing down. A few years later, I performed in my high school band, Solo and Ensemble competition (hosted by a different, and distant high school), but my parents were unable to attend, so I had to get a ride back with a friend. I was sitting in the back of their car, paying no attention – as younger kids are apt to do, when all of a sudden, I looked out the front window of the car, and saw that we were in a “tree tunnel.” Then, things got weird. You know that feeling you get, when you realize something? I felt that, plus a chill in my spine, as we drove out of the tunnel, and I looked to either side of the car. There, on the right, was a grain silo in a filed, just as my dream had shown me years before. I couldn’t believe it! I looked to the left, and sure enough, there were the concrete, upside-down U’s. I was floored. And this wasn’t the only time.
I also recall having a dream in high school, about living in a two-story house with white trim. I remember the dream now, as I did the day I had it. I was in a small town, and I was in the back yard, when a young woman came out the back door and spoke to me. THIS dream became a reality when I was away at Vincennes for college, and it was of the house – and person I shared it with – that I lived with for a year while going to school. This was in 1998, and I had the dream before graduating from high school in early 1995.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of crazy, fantastical dreams that never came true, but a couple did. So, I’m a little scared, but at the same time, intrigued.
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I wrote this last week, and sent it out to a few people to read.
My mom had an interesting, and calming answer as to what the dream might be about.
She thinks that the dream isn't about death, but life...new life.
Because many people in my family and past were there, but not Vanessa, she thinks it means I was preparing to leave my old family, to start my new one.
I hope it was right...thedream really hit me. Here it is, almost a week later, andI still think about it.
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ULI
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